


what she says, what he says

by kemia



Category: Asagao Academy: Normal Boots Club
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 10:06:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7753405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kemia/pseuds/kemia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>-- the walls came crumbling down, and all i could think was 'where is all that wasted time now?' --</p><p>a post-paul worst end fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	what she says, what he says

**Author's Note:**

> i'm actually fascinated, my first ever fic and it's abt a date sim based on real people. man life is a gas.  
> but thanks for reading. i'm not that great at formulating storylines on my own, so it may be kinda shaky, but it was something i had on my mind and i wanted to contribute to ya'll.
> 
> mind that this oneshot is pretty bittersweet, i hope that's your cup of tea. please enjoy! ♥

* * *

 

 ****A ballpoint pen twitched in her hand. She sat alone at the desk beside their beds. Margins of her open diary are etched with spur-of-the-moment poetry, overshadowing her actual entries, in hopes they’d one day be useful. Hana found that sudden lyrics came much easier than any words regarding her current life. Perhaps the lyrics _were_ her current life; that was what she had figured at some point.

 

* * *

 

Weeks had all fluttered by in a sputter of short memories, all of the same repetitions. She and Mai had become inseparable in that time, as Hana could hardly remember a moment when she was without her roommate, aside from when she was away at games. The volleyball season had since come to an end, however, and the each of them focused their free time together, sitting on the floor of their dorm, sheets of music scattered around their legs. Mai would hum, occasionally brighten as though she were a creative muse, and loudly brainstorm.

Yes, Hana had been serious when she proposed starting a band back during spring. Though, she had proposed that Mai be center stage, stating that she preferred remaining behind the backstage curtain. She had seemed disappointed in the agreement, but Hana was sure that Mai had every intention of getting them under the bright lights as a duo. The very thought had made Hana embarrassed, so she stuck to writing.

She really had thought she was improving.

“Hana?” Mai’s response to the page of delicate scrawl had been surprisingly meek, lips pursing as eyes ran down the page. The expression on her face only continued to curl, and Hana’s had come to mirror it, the room now hanging heavy with the drag of concern. “Hana, are you okay?”

Hana wasn’t sure if the answer to that was ever a definite ‘yes’ or ‘no’. “Why do you ask?”

Eyes peeked up from between her fingers as her hand ran through her auburn bangs. “Ever since you said you wanted to write the songs, the lyrics have been like this. And … I get really worried about you.”

The sheet was returned to eyeline. Bare teals fall on two specific lines, crunched into the very bottom margins, yet still larger than the combination of everything else on the page.

> “ _What she says, what he says,_
> 
> _“Their words are toxic, it’s all a mess_ ”

“Hana … Is this about what happened?”

She felt herself retreat into the pits of her stomach almost immediately.

Hana had forced herself to forget so much from those events … or so that was the assumption. Purposeful or not, her subconscious had tried to shut it all out; perhaps Mai had helped play a part in that. Being banned from the presence of both clubs also helped, essentially.

Two things that she recalled readily, with crystal quality whether or not she wished it, were the sound of a banner dropping … and the terror, and subsequent hatred that had been painted on his face.

_Paul._

A familiar pain forms in her throat, and for a minute the back of her tongue felt like acid may spill should she try to speak. Golden eyes were drilling holes in her. As much as she appreciated Mai, her concern, and everything she did for her, it was something Hana couldn’t talk about. It was something she wanted to keep suppressed for as long as possible, maybe looking back on it twenty-or-so years from now, hopefully with the capability to brush it off as ‘just a mistake she made when she was younger’.

A mistake that hurt so many people.

“Not at all, it was just the kind of inspiration that got me. But, um, I’m kind of tired. Mind if we take a break? I’ll go get us some drinks or something, I’ll … be right back.”

Without a chance for protest, she was halfway out the door. At her back, Hana heard her name at a whisper. She had disregarded it completely.

 

* * *

 

Her focus returned to the present. The soft breeze strolling through the window lulled through her hair, which had begun to grow out before she had even noticed. Her lips curled downward, as she stared at the pages of lines, all broken shards that she couldn’t properly piece. Somehow, though, she knew: if she put them all together, they’d spell out a story with a terrible ending. One that no one wanted to accept.

Her mind’s eye wandered again to Paul.

She had heard around that he intended to resign from office soon, that his plan had been expedited and had gone over without a hitch.

Normal Boots was one thing, but what Hana saw of Hidden Block from the distance was far more fragmented and estranged. Without Caddy, their group was permanently fractured. Luke didn’t joke the same way he used to with Ian in class. Ian hardly seemed to move at all; he always paid still and perfect attention to lectures. She never heard a word; she only felt the intent behind every single look on his face. They were never aimed at her, but she knew they were meant for her. Each one took everything she had to ignore.

 _Sure,_ she could forget everything. She could make it into a teachable moment she’d preach to the kids on the street when she was old and reflecting on her life. That was always an option, and easily the safest one. She could be with Mai, the only person she was certain she needed. Consider it lesson learned.

Yet, Hana knew she couldn’t keep hiding from what she had done in good faith, not when there was plenty she could have done otherwise. No matter what her ultimate goal was, she had lost most everything she had hoped to gain. She had fractured long-time friends. They trusted her enough to let her in; none of them had deserved that from her.

For the first time since the election day, Hana placed herself into the … _boots_ of the Normal Boots Club, of the Hidden Block Club, of Continue … of _Paul_. The overwhelming feeling of realization nearly caused her levees to break, but she instead slammed the pen into the wooden surface hard enough for a small splatter of black ink to shoot across the white paper. She rose from her chair and swiftly retreated to the hallway with a set destination in mind. This time, she wouldn’t stave off the pain in her throat.

It really was about time she stopped this woebegone routine of making sad music, and started facing it.

 

* * *

 

“You’re … Miss Mizuno? What seems to be-”

“P- _please_ , let Caddy come back to Asagao!”

Her voice wavered as she bowed; it tended to do that in the presence of high authority. She had never personally met the chairperson of the academy, having only received letters printed with a clearly photocopied signature. She watched through her peripherals as they shifted forward in their chair.

“I’m listening.”

Hana brought herself back to an upright position, ready to press her point.

“Caddy didn’t smuggle the guns into the school.”

“Then who did?”

Her body was trembling. She was unsure of their headmaster could see it, but without a doubt her muscles were seizing. Her footing felt unsteady. Her mind raced. She’d gained so much, but in the same vein lost so much; there was only Mai to lose, but the two of them could work it out for sure. Her impulse buzzed impatiently, mind to mouth without any in-between.

“... I-I did. It was all a set-up so Paul would win the student election.” Immediately, the flaw in her statement became obvious. “But none of them had anything to do with it! All of it was me!”

The headmaster cocked their head to the side, chin leaning slightly onto their hands. “Miss Mizuno, do you understand what you’re doing? Why come _now_ and tell me this, after all these months?”

“Someone else was affected because I was too scared. He … he doesn’t deserve that. No one deserves that. It was me, not him.”

Her eyes squeeze shut as she bows again, with some heavy feeling of finality. Despite how she knew the chips would fall, what washed over her was something like … relief. Release, more like. She wasn’t sure if she had ever felt a burden lifted from her shoulders quite like this.

Even if it was a lie.

 

* * *

 

Dismissed for any length of time as the board reviewed her case, Hana spent the remaining sunlight searching everywhere on campus in no particular hurry, steps concurrently heavy and light. It wasn’t like she expected much to come of her apologies, but in the very least, she needed to relay the information.

The sky was on the brink of sunset before it even crossed her mind where he might be. Oxfords quietly crushed the grass underneath as Hana rounded the hill, watching a crowd of players break and scatter from the center ring of the soccer field, talking amongst themselves as they scaled the incline from the other side. Only two of them remained after a minute or so of observing, each seeming to share a laugh with how their bodies doubled over. _Deep breaths, Hana. Deep breaths, Hana._ No matter times she repeated that, however, it made no difference, and her breathing would remain shallow, so she carried on anyway, nearly stumbling down as her feet dragged.

Neither of them had noticed her yet when she first approached the outer line of white paint, but Hana couldn’t bring herself to move beyond it. She only stared down at her shoes, staring at where the white blended messily with the green and black.

“So then-” PBG’s voice, so unfamiliar after the passage of time, yet so comforting, convinced her to lift her head again. Her gaze settled right into the one that was already gaping at her, wearing the most complex mix of sadness, bitterness, and longing she had perhaps ever seen.

“Hana?”

With no hesitation, Jeff made a full rotation, cleats now gathered in his arms as the transfer from shock to dismissal was nearly instantaneous. In no time at all, the rotation was over once more, and the boy she wished to talk to most was taking off in the other direction, outspeeding his naturally quick pace by a mile.

“Jeff, _please,_ wait!” Suddenly the boundary of the field was no more, and Hana had taken after him, nearly tripping as she had before in her anxiety. Jeff continued, and so did she, and though she expected PBG to follow, there was no presence at her back. PBG stayed behind, only wearing the same questioning glare he had graced her with on her first day at Asagao.

Without time to stop, she finally managed to catch up with him at a dash, pulling him to face her at the base of the hill.

“Jeff ... This is _really_ important, and I understand you probably hate me, but I’m not here to ask you for anything. I just have something to tell you, something that … something I should have told you a long time ago. Please, listen.”

When he finally turned around, the face he wore read more than ‘probably hate’. Though, in the same turn of the coin, his eyes read something … off. _Was that pity?_

“I-I probably took too long to say this for it to mean much of anything, but I’m sorry. I am _so_ sorry I put Hidden Block through everything I did, you and Caddy especially. I don’t know what came over me then … I was under some impression that ‘playing dirty’ was ruining other people’s lives, and, considering where I came from …” Hana exhaled what was left as her air ran out, letting the sentence trail while fighting back the beginnings of tears. Jeff still said nothing.

“That’s … not what I’m here to tell you. I made an appeal to the head of the school … So that they’ll maybe let Caddy come back. Hopefully after the upcoming break.

“Wait, really?”

The first words she managed to get out of him were astonishingly soft-spoken for Jeff, his typical voice a mass of decibels lower than usual. Hana only nodded, unsure of where to look. Her eyes bounced around.

“I’m sorry I took so long. I should have done it in the first place.”

It was difficult for either of them to continue speaking. Only the breeze that kicked through the nearby trees permitted noise, settling the both of them into awkward stagnation. She figured Jeff was considering everything. He looked like he was. She hoped he was.

“ … That’s all I had to say. I know you would -  _will_ \- make a great student council president. You should let the rest of Hidden Block know. Especially Ian. It’d be … nice to see him smile again, I think.”

Not that she’d see it, more than likely.

Arms brush past each other as Hana goes on ahead, leaving Jeff at a standstill behind her. As wholly as she expected for their interaction to cease to be in that moment,

“Hana!”

Her upper body turned to face, paying an anxious mind to not lose her balance on the slope.

“Thanks. It really means a lot that you’d do that.”

The smile she wore now was slight, but meaningful. She didn’t see that as them being on friendly terms ( _how could they be?_ ), but it was a success, however minor. Even so, it gave her enough bravery to ask one thing of him. Jeff was a good guy, through and through; surely he’d understand.

“Hey, Jeff? Um … When you next see Paul, apologize to him for me, too.”

 

* * *

 

Class dragged on. Miss Shizuka carried on about the importance of a proper stat build, but Hana only trained her fleeting attention into the glass of the window, mind wandering so far that her eyesight started to blur without the slightest acknowledgement.

This was right. What she did was right. _Right? Right._

There was a heavy sinking feeling that accompanied the sensation of eyes in the back of her head. Hana knew Mai was staring, and it was not of those stares of admiration that were brushed off so easily. She could physically feel such a strong gaze crawl down her back, and suddenly she was sick. Hana never brought herself to look back, and after an agonizing set of an unknown number of minutes, hours, the feeling retreated. All that remained was the obvious, familiar gaze from the back of the room, one that always permeated the room, one that was easier to dismiss.

Hana was making things right, no matter how much it hurt her, no matter how much she’d potentially regress. None of the people who mistakenly got involved with her could have foreseen the disappointment and heartbreak that came with it. It was for the sake of everyone else, so it was necessary. _Right?_

For the briefest of glances, her attention was stolen forward. Black cap and blue eyes are turned toward her just slightly, just enough for her to catch it. She finds her scrutiny lingering far too long, but Luke had taken notice of the fact and, just out of his teammate's line of sight, flashed her a tentative thumbs up.

_… Right._

* * *

 

A few days later, Mai entered their dorm to find it stripped to half.

“... What is this?”

Hana sat in the middle of the white rug on the floor, eyes trained blankly at the new occupancy of her suitcase with hands folded in her lap. Her belongings were all propped against her bunk, sheets and blankets folded neatly atop the mattress.

“Hana?"

“Mai?”

The response was a perfect echo, but something was audibly distinct about it. It was so distant, yet so … _familiar,_  so full of emotion. So full of them, in fact, that Mai couldn’t discern the true feeling. There was so much packed into one single word - her own name - she couldn’t make heads or tails of it. It was what Mai could only imagine an ultimatum sounded like.

“What’s going on?”

No reply. Gingerly, her fingers pressed the door to a close at her back, kneeling onto the ground beside Hana. All of her worry lay out on her hands as she squeezed Hana’s shoulders, pulling her body into a sideways, unreciprocated hug.

“Hana … Please, talk to me. You’ve been acting weird all week. She paused and reworked that thought. “... You’ve been acting weird for _months._ And whatever _this_ is … I’m confused. You’re really important to me, and I just … I want to help, y’know?”

Something warm and wet fell onto her forearm.

“Mai, I have to leave Asagao.”

The words alone punched her in the throat; the way it was said only worsened the pain.

“... What?”

She tried to remain calm, but Hana didn’t make these sort of vile, elaborate jokes. Every factor pointed toward the words being truth; her breath hitched, as had Hana’s.

“I got expelled. As of today, I’m not enrolled anymore.”

Her eyes began to burn.

“That’s ... There’s no way! Y-You didn’t even do anything!”

Nothing.

“Hana … Please don’t shut me out, I need to understand.”

Their bodies shift, and in a matter of seconds they're fully separated, Hana in front of her with eyes like glass behind their lenses.

“Mai, I really messed it up here. I came here thinking that I could change my life but I - all I did was ruin things … all I did was make everyone hate me. I-I wasn’t … I wasn’t any better than the people I tried to run from! I had to fix it … I couldn’t take it anymore, knowing it was me who made everyone so unhappy, so I figured if I … if I …”

Her fingers curled against the hem of her sweater, carefully absorbing every drop that fell from her eyes. No, Mai couldn’t bear to see this. Hana had come to this school for a new start, and Hana had been _her_ new start.

“I told them I smuggled the guns, Mai.”

Watching such a glimmering hope crack right in front of you like this was what made a world of cynics. Her own eyes began to pool mercilessly.

“It was the only thing I could do to make everything right, a-and I don’t regret it, not even a little bit, so why am I like this ...?”

“We can still go talk this out … You don’t deserve this, all of us make mistakes, you don’t deserve to give up on your dreams for other people …!” With delicacy that was normally beyond Mai’s strength and control, she wrapped her arms around her best friend who she loved so much, who she wanted to see smile and wanted to flourish and forge her own happiness. Streams poured down as she hugged Hana closely enough for strands of pink to glue themselves to her cheek.

“It’s not fair to you!”

_It’s not fair to **me** , either. _

The exclamation establishes a meaningful and meaningless silence over them both. Somehow, the lachrymose determination on her roommate’s face gave spelled out every answer for every proposal she could make. There was no way to make her stay. It wasn’t like she had much say in it, anyway.

“... I’m sorry for everything, Mai. For all the trouble I’ve put you through.”

“Hana … you’ve never been anything but a blessing to me.”

 

* * *

 

Hana stood, tall and empty, at the train platform, few belongings to her left and the one thing worth keeping with her at her right. But, balance had to return to Asagao Academy one way or another. Perhaps the pink-haired center of attention who was always messing things up was never meant to be part of the rich and happy equation.

The status quo was as it did.

Still, no one from Normal Boots or Hidden Block had talked to her, not since Jeff, but even _that_ was involuntary. The mixed signals she had been thrown in her final days gave her nothing to suggest they knew or even cared about what she intended to do. In the very least, she hoped they knew she’d be gone, and Caddy would be back, and half of a year in time for Hana Mizuno, with some repercussions, will have seemingly never happened.

She and Mai (  _having absolutely refused to attend class_ ) had exchanged contact information at least five times, since neither of them exactly knew when they’d next see each other, if at all. A timid glance was shot upward to her, and the paltry smile she received in return made it obvious that had she the choice, she’d leap onto that train, ticket or not, inhibitions to the wind.

Farther up the track, the soft rumbling just sparsely greeted her ears. Hana had gotten out all of her emotions in a long night spilling to Mai, and so the morning held nothing for her but the void passing of time and thoughtless action.

And, apparently, two barrelling teal varsity jackets, stomping along the pavement like their lives depended on it.

“... You two?”

Nick and Josh both practically hugged their knees, splayed across their features that they were not prepared for the run they had gotten themselves into. Hana and Mai exchanged heavy, bewildered glimpses. The rumbling grew slowly, steadily louder as it plowed across the countryside; there couldn’t be but a minute or so.

“H-Hana, we …”

“... We heard about ... what you were doing.”

“And … if … you’re really leaving …”

“We … wanted … to say goodbye. At least.”

Their sentences were so harshly strained by the desperation of their lungs to suck back air. At first unable to piece why these two, of all people, would want to wish her farewell, it became apparent just as quickly. She should have expected as much from them; had she the nerve, she might have laughed. A smile was all she could muster, forlorn and wistful.

“Come on then, get up and say bye, already.”

They complied, of course.

“We just, well …” Nick didn’t seem able to properly form the words he wanted to express, but Josh was fairly quick on the uptake.

“... We think things could’ve gone better.”

_Duh._

“But, that aside, we’re … sad to see you go.”

As much as Hana appreciated all the effort they put into finding her in time, the one distinct fact continued to leap at her, the shining inconsistency, practically mocking her efforts.

_Paul wasn’t there._

She should have expected that, really, though in hindsight she hadn’t expected _anyone_ to show, and certainly not two-thirds of Continue, with every reason to want her out of their lives. Hana couldn’t bring herself to be particularly crestfallen when she figured Paul would never forgive her. The regret, however, lingered. It always did at the worst moments.

Before more than a few back and forths could be exchanged, the train lurched into the station with a minute screeching, the high speed disorienting her vision. Doors flew open.

For some reason, a fleeting memory passed her by in that moment. Stretched out inside the pillow fort, Mai had presented her with a thought she’d lived on internally for months.

_“If you’re up for it, this can be your new life! You don’t ever have to look back. And now? Now is when we can play!”_

And now, as Mai squeezed around her neck tightly, as her belongings were clutched dearly within her hands, as she gave a half-hearted wave to the equally half-hearted Nick and Josh, she knew.

At some point, playtime was over.

 

* * *

 

“So, Hana, there’s something I should probably tell you.”

“What’s that?”

The phone was wedged awkwardly between her ear and her shoulder as she perched on the side of her bed, arranging a bouquet of sweet peas and violets.

Hana never quite returned to school, eventually becoming content with running the family business alongside her father. A surprising amount of customers were drawn to the unique simplicity of her floral arrangements, it seemed, often commenting on the distinct, minimalistic beauty and the feeling of nostalgia imbued into every piece. Things were … somehow, better. Lonelier, and never fully satisfying, but better.

“So, uh … a _‘certain someone’_ came and asked me for your address after the graduation ceremony.”

At the very least, Mai called every night and chattered about her day, and things that happened around the school, which helped buffer the weight some. Winter came and went in a blur of phone calls, and their year was suddenly over.

“Really? Who?”

A light rapping on the door served as her answer, her father cracking the door with the commonplace gentle smile that was practically his trademark. In his hand was an intricately woven  envelope, glittering along an ornate curl as it hit the light. It was so … far and beyond any mail she’d ever seen, and the sight of it momentarily stopped her dead.

“Honey, this came in the mail for you. It seems important; you should read it.”

There was a gasp on the other end of the receiver.

“Really? Right when I was about to spill the beans? That’s the luck of the protagonist right there.”

“Oh, hush, Mai.” Hana mouthed a quick ‘thank you Dad’ and mindfully plucked the letter ( _based on Mai’s confession, she assumed it had to be a letter_ ) from his hand as he turned away and brought the door to a click.

Fingers fiddle with the opening with utmost care, noting that she’d feel awful should she tear into such a work of art with reckless abandon. Lifting the stationery felt just as elaborate; leave it to her to make opening a piece of mail an absolute chore. It was almost as if unfolding it took the last of her strength.

The shreds of it faded when she saw the handwriting.

“Mai … I-I’ll call you back.”

“Wait, is it really h-”

The sound of the severed connection was dull in the back of her mind.

Hana brought the sheet of paper closer to her face, as if maybe her imagination were just running wild. She _knew,_ though, that it was the same scrawl that filled the blackboard at their meetings that she’d stared at so intently, trying to desperately to decipher what went on inside its head of origin. The solution of realization and fear swished around in her head like week-old bathwater.

There was no introduction, no ‘Dear Hana’ that gave her any notion that this would be a formal letter between peers. She swallowed, but it felt like swallowing invisible glass. She read anyway, anticipation guiding her eyes.

> _I’m not used to writing things like this, so sorry if it comes off wrong, but I need to get it off my chest._
> 
>  
> 
> _Jeff came and told me about everything. I wasn’t sure if I believed him or not at first. Even before you left, when Nick and Josh said they were going to come find you, I was still blinded by anger. But you know me, right? I haven’t always been the most observant._
> 
> _What I’m saying is, both of us were wrong. I can’t exactly keep acting like I was the only victim here. I treated you like less than a person, like you were a campaign staple. ~~I really wish I could’ve done better.~~ Sorry it took until after I graduated to actually get around how one-sided my thinking was. _
> 
>  
> 
> _I mean, I’m still sort of mad. But after the school let Caddy come back, the last few months before graduation seemed, well, normal somehow. But actually, without you, things never felt … right. It always felt like something was missing._
> 
>  
> 
> _It’s all in the past now. Things that happen in high school stay in high school._
> 
>  
> 
> _What I’m trying to say is, I’ll be putting it behind me. You don’t have to, but I hope you do._
> 
>  
> 
> _Nick and Josh say hi._
> 
>  
> 
> _\- Paul_

 

Hana gawked, but only momentarily, then shakily brought the letter to sit beside her, phone still pressed inside her opposite palm.

Her spare hand tucked itself into the base of flowers at her bedside, delicately lifting a sweet pea between the tips of her fingers. With full intent to continue her conversation with her other half, Hana padded through her recent calls to find Mai, letting the screen sit there for a moment on her name.

So, maybe it could have gone better. Maybe no one quite got the fresh start they were seeking. She didn’t stay at Asagao, sure, but she did realize where she needed to change. That change had only made her see the world through a different perspective. High school was high school. Everything after that was something vivid and new for everyone.

“Don’t worry, Paul. I will, too.”

Her thumb tapped against her contact, beginning to ring as Hana shrugged her phone back into the crook of her neck and continued her work.

Maybe the fresh starts they found didn’t have to be so bad after all.


End file.
